DEAR MR. MAYOR

The Mayor you elected is ready to receive your questions! Ask away about local policy, foreign policy, the hot buzz, the cold climate, and the oh so sweet town gossip! Just DO NOT ASK about the mayor's ex-wife. The floor is yours!

SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS FOR THE MAYOR ANONYMOUSLY HERE

1. Dear Mr. Mayor, How are your New Year’s resolutions coming along?

My ex-wife dropped the lawsuit, my new wife dropped a hit single, and my son dropped out of UTPB, or University of Texas Permian Basin for short. All this, and we’re only three months into the year!

After one heck of a Q1, we believe we can make this town more profitable than it’s ever been. How, you ask? Northeast rats. We welcome all the rats from those fat cats up in New York and suck 'em for all their worth! The fat cats, I mean, please no rat sucking*.

I know you’re probably sitting there thinking to yourself: “rats?” I need you to stop looking at rats as the problem, and start looking at them as the solution. 

They make for great food, employees, and even better friends. We’re all a little nasty. I say let’s embrace the filth and get filthy rich doing it.

*Mr. Mayor is not responsible for any sucked rats. 

2. Entschuldigung Herr Mayor, Wo gehst du zum Tanzen hin?

Guttentag, Father. Du hast seit fünfzehn Jahren nicht geschrieben. Fickt Großvater immer noch?

For the non-native speakers, Father asked where us night owls like to go dancing. The answer is simple: the woods behind Pease Park.

The DJ there is a wizard on the 1’s and 2’s. He has this one mashup of Play that Funky Music White Boy and I Took a Pill in Ibiza that’ll knock your nips off.

I go there with my friends Zach and Draven all the time. We have so much fun. Zach’s the man. Draven’s alright…

Catch us there this Friday shaking our cabooses the 3-5AM time slot!

3. Dear Mr. Mayor, I’ve been trying to make sweet whoopee with my wife the past few nights, but I don’t find myself performing like I used to. What can I do?

Your wife? Gross.

Fortunately for you, I’ve been through a similar situation in a past life. 

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Mayor has never participated in any illegal activity. He has never travelled to Mexico.

If I were you — and trust me, I’ve been you — I’d hightail it to our neighbors south of the border. There you can stock up on off-brand ED pills that go for pesos on the dollar. If I may be so bold, Hammer Stroke is an excellent choice. It fills the host with vigor and might.

GENERAL HOUSEKEEPING: I accept gift baskets as thank you’s. Just send it to Sheryl. She’ll take her cut, but it’ll get into the right hands.

4. Hi Mr. Mayor, I love hiking, but as soon as I start an ATX trail, I emerge from the trees into a Whataburger parking lot. Know any good trails?

This is music to my ears! This was the intended goal of the Whataburger Whatapark Wilderness Program aka the WhataWhataWilderPee.

We, the city of Austin, have partnered with our friends at Whataburger to provide you with burger salvation every 0.1 miles of Austin trail!

Take your family on a breathtaking hike, as you dive into a Whataburger Jr. with your little tike. Indoctrinate yourself in our natural landscape as you sip on a tasty Dr. Pepper Milkshake. Hike along the Barton Greenbelt, but don’t forget to stop inside for a patty melt.

The WhataWhataWilderPee is a nonprofit organization that should be paying me more for my natural ability to rhyme. Donations will be accepted from now until the end of time. I did not mean to do that last one — it just happened to rhyme.

PS: That last last one was also unintentional. This is a curse.